3 True Tales of a True Family Long Ago

The spider is a monster~all spiders are monsters~you've never seen one bigger and it's on your ceiling. You scream! The whole family, including the dog runs up the stairs. You are crouched in a corner. The family stands poised to look at the spider but ducking all the time to avoid it dropping on them. Mom gets a chair~Dad climbs on and asks for a magazine~Mom runs and the dog chases her. She's back~Dad climbs up and Mom hands him the magazine. "No", he says, "not the Playboy!!" Mom runs back out and gets her House Beautiful. You're still crouched in the corner. Your brother is frozen with fear. Mom hands Dad the magazine after she looks through it for a couple minutes~Dad's getting impatient and he is ducking because the spider is moving. Dad looks forceful. He raises his arm! It is truly going to be smashed now with that force. You come out of the corner~you are all standing around Dad on the chair. This is it!! Dad reaches up and barely taps the spider! It comes careening down and Dad starts screaming and swatting his head and chest~he falls off the chair backward onto your bed~the bed crashes~the whole family scatters screaming swatting at their heads and arms~the dog barks incessantly and twirls and starts biting your brother's ankle. The spider disappears.
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Dad's sure there's a critter as big as a raccoon in the attic. He buys a gopher trap and makes you place it in the tiny attic space~only you can do it~he can't fit in. Days go by~your job is to check it every day~nothing..just little turds. Dad decides it has moved to the crawl space. The crawl space is 12 inches high under the house and full of spiders. He tells you to go under and place another trap~you pay your friend Travis to do it! Several days have passed and Dad decides to go in. He gets his pistol and he crawls in on his back~he's going to shoot the varmint. Mom finds out! She makes Dad get out of there.
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It's 3am. The smoke alarm goes off at the top of the stairs. Your brother sleeps through it. Mom and Dad run up the stairs. Dad can't reach it. Mom gets a chair. Dad climbs on~he barely reaches it~he pushes the reset button...it's still going off. The dog is barking. Your brother still sleeps through it. Dad's getting fussy now. He rips it out of the ceiling~it stops...he hands it to Mom~tells her to hold it. Mom looks at it. It says "RADIOACTIVE". She screams at Dad for making her touch it. Your brother wakes up.